Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Reader Submission...

One of my readers emailed me this scenerio. She asked me to post it on here so she could get advice from you guys about this situation. So help your fellow reader out.

I have been an unhappily married woman for 10yrs. My husband and I are unhappy due to a previous affair he had in the beginning of our marriage. I chose to stay in the marriage and try to make it work. We act more as 'roommates' instead of husband and wife, never spend together, and most of all, he is not sexually active with me.

Recently I met a guy who I became intimate with. We have known each other for about 2months. He does everything my husband doesn't do and he makes me feel cared about. Something else my husband doesn't do. He lives far enough were I won't get caught by anyone. Initially, we started having sex at hotels, and then I began to go to his home. Lately, I have been spending the night with him whenever the opportunity presented itself, of course lying to my husband about my whereabouts.

The guy I have been seeing tells me he loves me all the time, especially when we are intimate. When he first told me he ‘loved’ me I felt scared. I felt like he was full of sh*t. At first I thought it was his game in order to get me to leave my husband. Then I realized that he appeared to mean it and wanted me to tell him I loved him too. But I don't, and I can't understand why he tells me that. Unfortunately, I have gotten emotionally caught up and believe this man might love me although that is hard to believe.

My question is why would he tell me he loves me if he knows I have a husband, I don't love him, and he is already having sex with me?

In your response please don't forget to answer the reader's question.


ErynMyisha said...

this woman sounds caught up in the hero syndrome. and stepping out on her husband is making things no better. i hope this side-dude does n't have stalker tendencies. she should have tried to work on her marriage after deciding to work it out with her husband, getting down the root of their problems. his affair and them not being sexually active are symptoms of their issues. they should be working on what's causing those symptoms. and she needs to either leave her husband and be single, or drop the side-dude because it may end up being more trouble than it's worth.

KD said...

The actions of others doesn't negate our responsibility to them.

I understand a painful marriage where youfeel "wronged"...however, all I have heard is what he has done...what about you? There are very few situations we find ourselves in that we don't carry some "fault". Have you asked your husband what can I do to make things better?
When the grass is is generally full of sh*t...not to mention you don't have to mowe it! and neither does he...This man has a 60day history with you...he doesn't know the "true hollywood story"...its quite easy to love someone between-the-sheets what about real time- you've lost your job, you've lost focus with yourself...will "johnnie cum now" be there for you? NOPE! Understand this...if you are capable, then so is he (cheating) CANNOT expect what you aren't willing to give! Do you really want to live like that? Do what you will do...because every lie you tell is a permanent scar IN you.

God and I are cool. I will speak with about this ;-)...I will pray He gives you the strength, courage and wisdom you will need to get you through.

***If you must look over your shoulder to see, it isn't worth 'watching'.


KMJ said...

I'm going to have to agree with some of the previous comments. The true issue is the previous affair, and how it has affected the two of you. When he stepped out on you, it was grimmy. Some people feel this is grounds to return the action, but that is not what love is about.

Perhaps her Splackavilie (anybody else remember that song?) is caught up in hero-syndrome. Maybe it is game? Maybe he is sprung? Who knows what kind of voodoo she did do? Whatever the reason, if you are intending to make something happen with your husband that can be an issue. What I am trying to figure out is why so many people feel as though they have to express their infatuations/feelings/etc. sexually! Can't you just tell them; do special things with them?

They say that when women give themselves in a sexual mannor it is something more significant than just casual sex... as most men are accused of just having. I always say that things are mathmatical in life. Thus whatever happens on one side of the equation must happen on the other. So for as many women are signifing something by sex, the same number of men are doing the same thing.

Just a thought...

Anonymous said...

This women is playing a dangerous game. I empathize with the man on the side because its a strong possiablity that he may truly be in love with this chick. In the end he will be the one hurt. She should work it out with her husband or leave the side man alone...Two wrongs don't make a right......

Anonymous said...

Because he knows that is what she wants to hear. I am pretty sure she has told him about how her husband does not make her feel special. He is going to play on those emotions to keep the sex going. GAME!!!!

BlaqGemini said...

Im going to start off with the question......"why would he tell me he loves me if he knows I have a husband, I don't love him, and he is already having sex with me?" In reading your post Ive come to the conclusion that the guy really must love you or have very strong feelings. Your statment...."he makes me feel cared about", means that you've noticed that hes taken the time not only to get to know you but has made the effort to make you feel special. Its alot easier for a man to just conquer and have another notch on his belt and just keep you around for some playtime every now and then. Which seems to be more your frame of mind than his.

See you have to realize that you have a husband to go home to whether you really want to be there or not. So to you its harder for you to belive theres someone else that loves you. If both of you were on equal playing fields then it would be more acceptable to believe.

From the looks of it you care about him enough to not only sleep with him not only once but to continue to sleep with him on the regular...."Initially, we started having sex at hotels, and then I began to go to his home. Lately, I have been spending the night with him whenever the opportunity presented itself, of course lying to my husband about my whereabouts." So to some degree you have this guy feeling that you care about him too. Why would I continue to tell something that I loved them if I were already intimate with them on the regular. Just like Steve Harvey states..."guys are not that complicated".

However there is a word of caution: If you have NO intention of leaving your husband then you better communicate this. Men are competitive hunters by nature and tend to not like to share..... especially if he truly loves you.

Wonderful Unknown! said...

BlaqGemini if I could see you I would shake your hand!! You were the only one that really answered the question: why would he tell me he loves me if he knows I have a husband, I don't love him, and he is already having sex with me?", I agree with you whole heartedly. This woman has feelings for him and there is a chance he loves her. Now 2 months isn't a long time but there is no time on love. She needs to fall on her needs and pray because if the feelings are not the same on her end now they will get there and then there will be HELL to pray. Now my answer is, to the question, that if the sex is great to him the best way to keep a women around is to have her head first and the rest will follow. So in a nut shell he is running game to keep her because he does have strong feelings for her.

Anonymous said...

Dear Mrs.Confused/Hurt/Broken-hearted, I sympathize with your predicament. Unhappily married scenarios as such keep a lot of us single.
A few points/thoughts:
1. Did husband cheat with a man? If so, forget it,marriage over....

2. Has husband previously make you feel loved/desired? (If not...)

3. Do you really love your husband and want to stay with him? Why?

4. Is this just payback in fast forward? (He cheated once or continuously?) Note: You have created a relationship...dangerous!

Finally, life is short... Adulterly is grounds for divorce spiritually and legally. Either fess up and get counseling together or divorce. Love triangles = danger! Pick a man, don't be selfish anymore. Everyone involved will hurt.
(*U can only dance with the devil so long before he gets bored n wants excitement. He can rock your world so hard, your teeth could shatter... Beat him to the punchline)

Most importanly make it a praying matter...Lord can fix a host of things we think impossible, including marriage. Best wishes...

MLG said...

Why would he love you and why would he be sleeping with you is your questions?
A man can fall in love with you or love you in his time. There is no time frame on how a person feels about someone. You're not happy he knows this, otherwise you would not be meeting with him in the first place. It is possible he wants to be with you and your scared because you may still want to be with your husband. Be open with your feelings,with him and your husband and decide whats best for you and your happiness in the long term.


Anonymous said...

Why is is hard to belive he may really have feelings for you? I mean, if you were unmarried and officially dating him, would you question his feelings? If the connection is made, he may truly have feelings for you, I mean you have spent some time with this guy at his home, around town, you even said he makes you feel cared about and I'm sure you've even told him that.

So my question is - why aren't you seeking a divorce from your husband if you are so unhappy? Are YOU the one playing games now? Do you like the drama that all of this is creating? Wouldn't you feel better if you either worked on the issues (and there are a lot of issues) with your husband or just end the marriage and start over with someone who can be loyal and whom you can be loyal to? The weight of all this drama has GOT to be stressing you out!

Speaking as a married person (more than once so I'm qualified), we all go through drama and either decide to work it out or end it. True - you've got some serious issues to look at & decide if it's worth it but the decision is up to you now, are you going to continue to "creep" or be a grown up woman and choose one life or the other?