Friday, January 2, 2009

Reader Submission...



Happy New Year Folks!! I don't have any resolutions other than to be the best person I can be. I spent new years alone for the first time which was cool with me. Hope you all have a safe and happy year. One of my readers sent me this email below and wanted feedback from my lovely readers.




Ms. Devereaux,

Once again I am in need of your help. I have a topic I would like to get some answers on. Why are men visible people? They claim they want a real woman someone who will not lie to them, someone they can trust, someone to be their friend but yet they always want the women who are skinny and superficial. They look at your outsides before they get to know you. Are there any good BLACK men out there who really want what they ask for?

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sweetheart, I understand your frustration. However, be realistic. People are attracted appealing things, not necessarily model-type (air brushed), women included. I believe men as do women really want the complete package, when seeking a serious relationship.

I see it like this, "healthy" food can be bland/unappealing or a treat to the palate in addition to asthetically pleasing to the eye. It is the option of the preparer. As it is with people, good people don't have to purposefully downplay themselves. In short prepare yourself with care and a touch a spice at times, but always be yourself.

Mamma always said, take care or yourself and be a lady. A man might look, but if you are the complete package, he's not going anywhere. :-)(And, pick your battle.)

Also, be assured, there are great guys out there, but they may or may not fit you "visual" desire. They might also avoid the roving eye problem.

-Wishing you all the Blessings and Happiness.
-Sis-2-Sister/mlb

uzoma said...

I would first like to say that it is only natural for a man (or woman) for that matter to be drawn or turned off by what they can grasp with their senses. That is no different than how many people do when trying a new dish. We usually react to the smell, look, or presentation of the dish prior to making a decision to eat it. Most are not thinking from jump, "Oh, that dish certainly has a lot of vitamin D or calcium in it"--even for the most health-conscious individual. It is only when you decide that you are interested in tasting the food that you begin to want to find out its other attributes. So, I don't see anything wrong with deciding to talk to someone based on what you experience.

Secondly, I do not think that a man's physical attraction to a particular woman is automatically a rejection of his deep desire to be with a woman with attributes of substance--trust, friendship, and respect. I think that one of the major problems in most areas (male-female relationship are no exceptions) is that we forever view situations through a lens of "black and white", while life presents all different shades of many colors--including gray.

Men are fully capable of discerning whether or not the woman we are involved with has our best interest at heart. Sometimes lust, infatuation, or whatever you want to call it, gets in the way of our judgment. Also, that's no different than women trying to decide whether they want to be with a "thug" or "sensitive, understanding brotha who likes art, poetry, and theatre". At the core, most of us know really soon when the woman in our life is someone we can trust to "have our back".

I am inclined to believe that some women think that a man who rejects them does not know what they want in a woman, but I believe that in some cases, it is the woman assuming that she 1) has EVERYTHING that ANY man could want anyway, so they are surprised or vexed when he doesn't commit to be with her, specifically OR 2) is looking to be with somebody so much that it is evident, even to that man, that she is looking for him to fill a void in her life that only she and her Creator can fill.

Brothas deserve way more credit for knowing what we want, than even the sistas are willing to give.

Teacia said...

Short and simple...uh no, not at first. But it is possible if a friendship is formed.

Looks aren't everything, and they eventually fade. Do you really want someone who's only interested in outside appearances anyways?!?

There are plenty of men who aren't.

ErynMyisha said...

The characteristics you've named that men say they want have nothing to do with physical attractiveness (trustworthy and real friend). There are plenty of women in all shapes, colors, and sizes that fit this bill. So, he will narrow down from there based on what turns him on. So that's as simple as I can put it. I can say that no man wants a insecure, bitter woman no matter how attractive they are to him.

J-Bigg said...

As a “GOOD” man that happens to be black, I can say that males as well as females say they want one thing while their actions say something completely different. Women claim to want a good man that knows how to treat her, and respect her and treat her like a queen, but chase “thugs” or “bad boys”. Guys do the same thing. The thing is, everyone enjoys a challenge. If someone thinks they can get the win too easily they won’t respect you, and will trample all over you. That “win” can come in many different forms. It can be anything from sex to a ride to work. You must find a fine line between challenging and impossible. As with everything in life, you appreciate what you work for, more than what you’re given. As for the physical comment… People are attracted to what they are attracted to. It’s not always physical. Some guys are attracted to intelligence. Some like goof balls. Some people just like breasts and butts… That doesn’t make them any less or more of a man, they just like what they like. If they don’t like you for you, tell them to kick rocks! Be you and in time someone will like you and everything that encompasses. Yes even your Weird Al Yankovic DVD collection. :)

DC DIVA DATING ADVENTURES said...

Happy New Year...I don't make resolutions either...just trying to live day by day & be happy...

My Short Answer to the e-mail: People are visual and we are driven by our senses...that being said, most people (especially men) associate looks and feelings with something that was important to them or with one of the 5 senses Not all men want a "skinny" girl with long hair, and vise versa. and not all "skinny" girls are superficial, etc...

I remember when I was in high-school I had a crush on this guy, but he like a girl who was quote unquote on the heavier side. He told me I was a nice girl, but he liked bigger women... I could have took that experience and used that to define how men felt, but I didn't.

Don't take your experiences with men, and let that be your defining factor about BLACK men, or any man...

(ok it was long...sorry)

DC DIVA DATING ADVENTURES said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
silverdragonspeaks said...

I'm not sure why I'm here, but i'll leave a comment since I've already started reading what the others have been saying.

Anyhoo, you have to make choices in life. It doesn't make sense to go out with a big-booty lady with a corn-on-the-cob brain when you want a woman with sense. But then again, the women with sense usually suffer from independent woman syndrome, and they are often mean, miserable and not-understanding and may not even have the size of booty you're hoping for.

SOmetimes a man has to choose between looks and smarts, and it's up to him to weigh both sides and see which would suit him better.